Some Things Some Parents Sometimes Overdo

Psychological researches in both the past and modern ages have revealed how errors in childrearing could lead to personality problems later in life. We have seen hints of these vital findings in seminars, commercials, slogans, speeches, and other media. In this issue, let us encapsulate some practices that parents must avoid overdoing.

Over-protection. Trina asks her 8-year old daughter, Karen, to buy a bottle of vinegar from a sari-sari store in the neighborhood. Her industrious husband immediately comes to the rescue, volunteering, “I’ll do that. Karen’s too young to go for errand. She might trip or meet an accident or what.”
In another house, a vigilant mother instructs her 5-year old son, “Never play outside with dirty children. There are enough toys in the house that you can play with. Besides, there are a lot of hazards along the street and germs in the soil.”
That dangers abound outside the house may be true. But there is more danger in too much protection, which cannot outdo the benefits “risks outside” can offer.
Child psychologist Piaget (1965) posits that playing with other children fosters better social development, adjustment and cooperation. Childhood is an age of exploration. Exploration leads to the development of creativity, resourcefulness, independence, sense of duty, confidence, social skills, and many other vital factors.
Erikson (1980) asserts that when children are not allowed freedom and are over-protected, they develop too much sense of shame of doubt. They grow up to be shy, unconfident and incompetent. In addition, experimental researches disclose that play activities in childhood “may teach the skills and concepts that help children become mature, fully functioning human beings” (Berger, 1988).
When a baby attempts to stride up the stairs, therefore, it is healthier to say, “Go ahead, but be careful. I’ll be at your back.”

Over-gratification. In practice, it is by and large difficult to turn down a child’s sweet request. So when all of his requests are sweet, we tend to give in to all of them. Is there any danger in doing so? Much.
Studies have shown that too much gratification spoils a child and curtails development of frustration tolerance. Frustration tolerance is the ability to withstand failures in general, which is one essential indicator of emotional maturity and well-adjusted personality.
What does this imply? It is necessary to say, “No,” once in a while.
A child who has been used to being the “winner” always tends to have a difficult time accepting the fact when he is the “loser”.
Siruno and Siruno (1978) accent that children of indulgent parents are likely to be passive, prone to (weak in) frustration, resentful and withdrawn in relationships.
Meanwhile, Baumind’s study (1967) exposes that children raised with minimum regulation tend to be bossy and self-centered, rebellious, lacking in self-control, rather aimless, and quite low in independence and achievement.
Studies also show a correlation between delay of gratification and self-control. Children who are not overly gratified tend to have better moral development. This means that it is helpful to say, “Wait,” when necessary.
Sigelman and Shaffer (1995) put the entire concept this way: “Children need love…and limits.”

Over-regulation. Disciplining is a parental duty. But too much of it is definitely detrimental. Hurlock (1982) uses the term authoritarian discipline, which she characterizes as the type where rules are given without explanation, harsh and cruel corporal punishments are usually inflicted, and reason for children’s violation are not or seldom taken into consideration.
The common effects in children, Hurlock asserts, may include excessive obedience in the presence of adults but aggression in the presence of peers. Kids brought up in too much regulation later tend to resent authority and develop poor personal and social adjustments. “The more physical punishment is used, the more likely the child is to become sullen, obstinate, and negativistic.”
Koestner, Zuroff and Powers (1991) cite that extremely restrictive parenting, especially when combined with hostility or rejection, is very less likely to succeed. Baumrind (1967) proves in a research that children of authoritarian parents “tend to be moody and seemingly unhappy, easily annoyed, relatively aimless and not very pleasant to be around.”
When we are too tight with kids, we may be hampering the development of their sense of independence, creativity, and healthy self-expression.
In line with this theme is involving children through choices and consequences. Dinkmayer et al. (1989) suggest that children must learn to make decisions and take responsibility for their own behavior. “Giving young children choices helps them begin to develop independence and cooperation.”

Over-expectation. In their desire to “bring the best out of their child,” some parents are tempted to put too much pressure on him at the expense of his personal limitations. While there may be a good motive, the problem starts when parents fail to draw the line between what is a child’s “best” and what is beyond it.
After a two-hour talk on child rearing sometime in 1997, I had the chance to listen to a weeping mother’s grievance against her husband who scolded their son a lot when he fails to perform well in his class. We may fault the father for being unfair, but many parents commit the same mistake.
Dinkmayer et al. (1989) underscore the importance of showing real interest in areas that interest children, and not only the areas parents feel are important. Encouragement, the authors emphasize, starts at valuing and accepting children as they are, believing in them, and treating them with respect. “Children have different abilities, interests, and rates of they development.”
Many Filipino parents are lured by the glory of academic honors. They would do everything so their kids are not left out. There may be nothing wrong with this, but only when done within the bounds of the children. It is not fair to compare a child with others (that is, to evaluate a child against other children’s performance), or to threaten to withdraw love when he fails to keep up with your standards (as in saying, “Pag di ka nag-top di na kita love.”), or to so overemphasize achievement that there seems to be no more room for mistake.

Parenting may not be as easy as theories say. It entails a lot of flexibility, patience, self-control, understanding, and a pool of other “musts”, and “must-be’s”. But the key, it seems, for successful childrearing is keeping things within desirable bounds — not too much, not too less of everything. And we cannot afford to play around or get by in parenting: whether our kids succeed or not in the future lies largely on whether we did the right thing or not.

3 C's of Good Discipline

When we discipline a child, we not only bring out a desirable behavior; we bring out a desirable person. The kind of discipline we administer can therefore give a preview of the kind of person our child will be in the future. Hence, disciplining is not only a parental routine and expectation; it is a highly delicate responsibility that deserves and requires thorough consideration.
For this issue, let me share with you three (3) C’s of good discipline.

Comprehensive Discipline. Discipline should focus not on only one or some aspects of personality. It must encompass the whole child. Many Filipino parents equate discipline with punishment. While punishment can be beneficial when properly administered, it is not the only component of good discipline. Recognition, encouragement and praises must be integral part of parenting. The end goal of disciplining is to facilitate optimum personality development by capitalizing on child’s strength while teaching him to live with his imperfections.
There are parents who are good at looking into holes of their child’s behavior. They flare up when he fails to fix his bed, flanks in a quiz, or breaks a toy. But they miss his good deeds. Praises are powerful tools in molding behavior. When a child is sufficiently recognized for an achievement, he tends to repeat it again. Well-reinforced behaviors become an integral part of personality, and a young person carries them along even as he matures.
Comprehensive discipline also implies multi-scope parenting. Academic grandeur is good, but it is not everything. A number of today’s parents focus so much on scholastic achievement that they fail to check other areas of development — values, spiritual upbringing, social relationships, and the like. There are academic giants who are poor in interpersonal dealings. There are scholars but are too skinny to be true. These are products of imbalance parenting.

Clear Discipline. In fairness to goodness, children MUST know why they are being punished, or what they are praised for. When he finishes a good drawing, it is ineffective to just say, “Anggaling mo!” It must be behavior-specific: “Anggaling mong mag-drawing!” is a better-said praise. It is noteworthy that seemingly trivial achievements are indeed big thing in the eyes of kids. And these should be praised, too.
When he misbehaves, it is futile to simply slap him without a word. Tell him clearly the reason why you have to do it. Point out what the misdemeanor precisely is, why it is wrong, and what should have been done instead. In other words, it is incomplete to say, “Mali yan!” Always pair it with “Eto ang tama….”
Discipline is not a means by which angry parents simply ventilate their fuming emotions. Our children are not chimneys or mufflers that serve as exhausts through which we can air our tempers out and pacify our wrath. An important rule in parenting is that we discipline not because of anger, but because of love! This is why psychologists discourage parents from administering discipline while they are at the peak of anger. Heightened emotions can cloud our dispositions. And when things are not clear to us, neither can they be clear at all to our kids.
At any rate, children deserve their parents’ guidance and help to avoid repeating the mistake and replace it with the desirable behavior. It will be helpful to remember that discipline is supposed to be a collaborative effort between the parents and the child.

Consistent Discipline. Discipline is not a game of taste that we do it when we want, not when we don’t. It should be consistent across time. A misbehavior must be consistently treated as a misbehavior all throughout. It doesn’t become right just because you are in a good mood. Psychologist Edward Thorndike appropriately laid down that withheld punishment is reinforcement in disguise. When a child expects to be corrected for repeating a misdemeanor for which he had been previously punished, and he is not corrected, it appears to him that his misdemeanor is “rewarded”. He will therefore tend to repeat it over again.
This is one reason why disciplining is a task that requires an ocean of patience. We cannot expect a child to automatically respond to our one-time rebuke. Especially during toddler period, negativism — defiance of authority and doing the opposite of parents’ orders — is very much pronounced. Little as they are, kids do sometimes intentionally disobey to “explore” our reaction. Then we should patiently, lovingly, firmly and consistently correct them.
Discipline should also be consistent across siblings. It is an entirely confusing labyrinth in the eyes of our kids if they see our inconsistencies in treating them. What would one child think and feel if another sibling is ignored for committing a mistake, which the former had been previously punished for? By way of saying, except for “tasks of age”, what is wrong for one should be wrong for all.

In closing, disciplining should not merely be an offshoot of enraged temper. It should be a well-planned long-term training program that parents must carefully, sufficiently and properly undertake. Roy Smith once said that discipline is a refining fire by which talent becomes ability. In fact it is more than that. I see it is a refining fire by which a child becomes a person.

Teacher, Leader

(I published this article in the magazine of Colegio De Dagupan, formerly Computronix College, where I used to work.)

I came across a teacher-author’s interesting experience while driving on her way home from vacation. Wanting to arrive sooner, she followed a car that took a U-turn on a one-way street. Soon enough, a street police stopped both cars and issued them tickets. “I could not blame the driver ahead of me,” the author said. “I followed him, but he did not realize he became my leader.”
We realize it or not, we become leaders when we become teachers. Students look up at us, trust us, and follow us. To be an effective teacher, therefore, we must be effective leaders.

Pleasant, but not a pleaser. “I asked you last time to try to make someone happy,” a preschool teacher opens. “How many of you have done so?”
“I have,” a boy promptly replied.
“That’s nice, Juan. What did you do?”
“I went to see my Aunt, and she’s always happy when I go home.”
Are people happy when we are around? Then we are probably pleasant. But we should think again if we sense that people dislike our presence. Being congenial to people, however, does not mean we should try to please everyone at the expense of sincerity.
It is always foul to praise, or keep back an embarrassing remark from someone, for the sake of pleasing him. As Lord Alfred Tennyson incisively articulated, “A face-flatterer and backbiter are the same.”

Organized, but not rigid. A tangled leader is a baffled leader. A teacher cannot dispose of efficient services when everything around him is higgledy-piggledy.
Some people would rather tuck papers somewhere — between pages of a book, under other papers, inside drawers with unintelligible contents, etc. So in the end, things they originally “keep” and intend to “use in the future” end up fruitlessly hiding in places they cannot even remember.

• Do we plan how to creatively finish an entire syllabus for a semester without sacrificing instructional quality (or do we often leave our students receiving only half of what they paid for)?
  Do we so set up our activities as not to go beyond deadlines (since we know that our bosses feel just the way we feel when our students ignore our deadlines)?
• Do we have orderly files of our students’ quizzes, tests and other submissions (because we know for God’s sake that they deserve prompt feedback for efforts they exerted sincerely)?
• Do we keep handy records of incentives we promise to give (as when we say “I’ll give plus 2 to those who….”)?
• Do we maintain systematic folders of lesson notes and materials we use in the class (in the thought of being able to use them again in the future)?
  As always, orderliness is a mark of an educated man.

Open-minded, but not all-too-receptive. Charles Kettering once said, “If you’re doing something the same way you’ve been doing it for 10 years, chances are you’re doing it wrong.” We live in a world where the only permanent thing is change.
A department head at a reputable university in Baguio City told of his encounter with a teacher-applicant, who has had extensive experience in teaching a subject. Asked how much she knows the course, she declared, “I’ve been handling the same subject the same way for years. I know it by heart, by the letter.”
She was not taken in.
A broad-minded teacher is open-minded. He doesn’t easily believe anything that he hears, but neither does he close his mind to possibilities. He knows that even his long-held ideas may eventually be proven false tomorrow. He welcomes suggestions, appreciates innovations, and takes corrections maturely and intelligently, and learns from them.
He listens to opinions of others — colleagues and students alike — patiently, sincerely and attentively. He is not confined within the nuke of his perspective, regardless of how “huge” it may be. He takes each day and situation for professional growth and learning.

Democratic, but not loose. Psychologist Glen Elder (1962) had an appealing way of differentiating autocratic from an authoritarian leadership: in an autocratic home, parents do not allow young people to express their opinions or make decisions about any aspect of their own lives; in an authoritarian home, adolescents can contribute opinions, but parents always make the final decision according to their own judgment.
Authoritarian orientation then is plainly autocracy in the guise of “democracy”.
A responsible democratic leader is able to facilitate group decision-making effectively without the fear of bearing the accountability if things go wrong. He appropriately delegates tasks, but does not wash hands off.
In the classroom, democratic atmosphere gives much space for personal growth. Educators Lardizabal, et al. (1996) assert that effective discipline should be based on the tenets of democracy. College students can efficiently contribute to classroom decision-makings.
Furthermore, an effective teacher recognizes the human aspect of every person and makes necessary adjustments. While he knows his rules and keeps up with them, he sees every offense as a unique case. He knows that no one rule — not even one teaching method — applies best to every situation.

Principled, but not stiff. General Reed, President of Congress during the American Revolution, once received an offer — ten thousand guineas — from the British Commissioners, should he desert his country. His answer was clear-cut: “Gentlemen, I am poor, very poor. But your king is not rich enough to buy me.”
A noble teacher (since we claim that teaching is the noblest profession) maintains clear principles in life, and lives by them. He shows values that are worth emulating. He strives to be a genuine model to his students. He does what he knows is right and fair.
Again, even our principles should have room for malleability. We should be the masters, not the slaves, of our philosophies.
I overheard a Math teacher stating, “In Mathematics, all problems have a solution. If something doesn’t have a solution, then it is not a problem.” I see similar precepts when it comes to principles:
“All values ought to be flexible. If something is not flexible, then it is not a value.”
It is equally apt to say, “All true teachers should be principled. If someone is not principled, then he is not a true teacher.”

Frank, but not rude. Frankness is an asset. But it should not be confused with rudeness. One can be utterly forthright without being blunt. The former is motivated by concern and earnestness. The latter is motivated by undomesticated temper or poor breeding, or both.
Communication experts Bagin and Grazian have these to say: “Remember that manners are free. Be as courteous to the mail clerk as you would to the CEO…. People will respect you for doing so…. Be diplomatic without being phony. Avoid hurting others’ feelings….”
A cultured educator knows when and where to correct an errant. He knows that not all places are a right place to rebuke, no matter how noble the intention may be. He judiciously chooses the words to use, and delivers them circumspectly.

Mark Twain’s popular line still holds true today: “To teach is to learn twice.” Indeed, teaching and learning are a duo. And so are learning and leading. Nobody can assert that he is an effective teacher, until he is an effective leader.

Ang Tipo Kong Professor

(I published this article in the school magazine of Collegio De Dagupan, formerly Computronix College, where I used to work at.)

It’s an old topic. We learn from both theories and practice what it takes to be an effective teacher. But it is also nice to listen to more “customized” expectations straight from our students: What for them is a good professor?

“Ang ideal na professor, dapat walang pinapanigan. May kredibilidad bukod sa abilidad. Kaya niyang makitungo sa mga estudyante. Dapat din, ‘di yung feeling n’ya sobrang talino na parang ‘di siya matalo ng estudyante. ‘Di na baleng hindi genius, basta nare-relate nya yung subject! Dagdag points din ang good grooming.”
Gerald Casero
BS Electronics and Communication Engineering IV

“He/She has got to be really good at the subject, friendly, gives real quizzes and exams, does not give impossible projects, handles class well, as he/she must have an image of true authority. Dapat marunong mag-crack ng jokes, but never does stupid green jokes. He/She doesn’t swear early in the morning. Finally, dapat he/she challenges me to do better always.”
Marie Franz Uy
Bachelor of Secondary Education II

“I like a professor who is very approachable. He/She is not intimidating and does not create feelings of “insecurity” in his/her students. He/She should not be too serious. He/She can discuss lessons clearly but briefly.”
Mary Chris Tomboc
BS Psychology III

“As for me, I want a professor that can handle his/her students. Not so strict and not so loose. A professor that’s not a pretender — Ivory Tower for nothing.”
Louie Angelic Cruz
AB Mass Communication III

“My ideal professor is someone who knows how to earn his/her students’ respect. He/She knows how to get along with his/her students and doesn’t play favoritism.”
Mary Ann s. Abanes
BS Information Technology II

“Ang tipo kong teacher ay yung mabait at understanding, magaling magturo siyempre, at medyo kalog para ‘di boring!”
Alexander P. Aquino
BS Electronics and Communication Engineer I

“A professor with a sense of humor. He/She should be smart, well knowledgeable in the field he/she teaches, has a loud and clear voice, friendly and easy to get along with. He/She should be a good speaker, too. He/She should have the ability to explain elaborately.”
Jeffrey V. Gotoc
Vanessa L. Gonzales
BS Information Technology II

“A professor should be well-groomed (not necessarily stylish), intelligent, punctual and approachable. He/She doesn’t have favorites and has good sense of humor.”
Chris Ian Mores
BS Electronics and Communication Engineering II

“We would rather have a strict professor but has a sense of humor. He/She has patience in teaching his/her students. He/She asks sensible questions so students are challenged to study well.”
Karlo Eleazar P. Bongar
Sonia J. Dela Cruz
BS Information Technology II

“Intelligent and friendly. Easy to approach when you need a shoulder to lean on.”
Jennifer O. Dasco
BS Computer Science II

“Open minded. Treats students fairly. Knows where he/she stands. Helps students on their problems.”
Geda Mier P. Gabriel
Kristopher Dan M. Rariza
BS Information Technology II

Light Desk for a Light Work

As a professor, pastor and psychologist at the same time, I spend many hours working at my desk. Multitasking, I admit, is not always as easy as theory. But systematizing — that includes keeping my desk light — somehow helps in keeping my work light. Let me share some guidelines:

Keep your desk clear. An unsightly desk multiplies stress and pressure. It makes you feel tired than usual (and look older, too). Clutters tell you, “Look at how much more tasks are waiting ahead.” Have a separate table for your tools. Don’t squeeze your computer, typewriter, bag, paper cutter, books and all onto of your desk. Bring out only those things you work on at the moment, and keep them away before you commence with the next task. Update your corkboard regularly so it doesn’t get jammed with unintelligible reminders.

Keep your desk neat. Plan out how you can file the stuffs you receive (or create) so that you can locate them in a second when you need them. Put those pins together in a small box. Assign a fixed place for your table tools — stapler, stamps, correction fluid, etc. — and return them (as you would with any other things) on the same place after using. Stack papers that belong together in clearly labeled folders. Anyone who justifies, “Eh masmabilis nga akong magtrabaho kung magulo ang mesa,” simply denotes, “I don’t even have time to sort my filthy undergarments from clean ones. Why should I sort my desk out?”

Keep your desk plain. Remove the pictures and decorations under your desktop glass: they don’t belong there. Use table ornaments sparingly, if at all. When seen mixed with other stuffs, they are perceived by our brain more as mess than as inspirations. Even rubbles look better when put on a plain background. Soothing to the eyes, a plain, ornament-free desktop is most conducive to working.

Keep your desk clean. Many people sip coffee, nibble nuts, or even chomp a full lunch right at their workstation. This is perfectly all right, assuming there are no other better places to eat. But be sure to clean up your desk afterwards. Your janitor has so much to do aside from cleaning your crumbs and scouring your mug marks away. And it pays to exert extra effort to dust your workstation regularly. There is no doze of “adaptation” that is enough to make you work more effectively in a grimy area than you would in a clean, fresh-looking one.

Keep your desk bright. Most of us would carry out tasks best in a moderately illuminated workstation. Gone are the days when one had to ruin his eyes and wear glasses just to secure some amount of esteem. Relocate your table to a place where it (and you) can receive enough lighting. Rearrange your office in such a way that furniture and decorations do not obstruct sources of light. Let sunshine peer though your window blinds. Replace dim bulbs with daylight lamps.

What bamboozle many workers are not those “too many tasks,” but those few tasks that appear too many — often because of a muddled workstation. Imagine trying to locate a small note that means life and death for your company. Or remember those long times you ravage in disastrous attempts to track down a “lost” report (which you later find innocently hibernating in your bag, or drawer, or filing cabinet, or between pages of whatever that has pages).
So next time you enter your office, you know what to do first. And last.

Who Said Grades Are Not Important?

With the graduation season fast approaching, we can’t help but think of the thousands more joining the competition for jobs. These add to the already incalculable competitors that escalate in number year after year. While many of us would rather blame the government for insufficient job opportunities, it may be helpful to look at this problem from another perspective: the quality of graduates.
It is a fact that job hunting is not as easy as some career seminars and workshops make us believe. But difficulty in job hunting is not because of poor employment chances only. Many HR practitioners will agree that grades do reflect a person’s diligence and responsibility. So poor grades do influence one’s potential to be hired.

* * * *

Very unfortunately, not many students realize this sooner. Often, regrets come flooding in when school days are over, and the dispelling grades are there for good, for life. Grades, literally, are more permanent than marriages. Some people shift from a spouse to another, but a “meek” grade earned during the first semester way many years back is there clinging in the transcript even long after all the spouses have left.
You can compose many interesting and convincing versions of alibis to save face, but recruitment officers (who are interested more in your transcript than in the most enticing plate of paella) know for heaven’s sake when yours is no more than just another myth.

* * * *

I see three important facets of this issue. The most apparent, of course, is the student’s perspective. I teach. And I would say that many students are deceived by the belief that securing a barely passing grade is just as good as getting 90s. It may be true for a moment. A 75 can indeed get us promoted to a next higher class, can’t it? But striding up to a next class isn’t all that we are up to, is it? We study to get a good job someday. And good jobs require not only grades. They require good grades.

* * * *

A second important facet is that of teachers. Educators’ role does not comprise in teaching. (This is why even the term “teacher” is reductive of the profession’s whole picture.) Teachers must facilitate learning. Eloquence, therefore, may not necessarily mean proficiency. A professor may impress a class with his competency in speaking. But while articulacy is an important factor in teacher-effectiveness, it is not the sole tool to truly facilitate learning.
Learning and motivation are Siamese twins. Students learn well when they are motivated well. And the chief motivational figure in a classroom should be the teacher. This is why I don’t agree with the traditional procedure that the Motivation part of a lesson plan should come at the onset. It is a part that should be inherent in all parts of each lesson. To make students interested in the lesson is one thing. But to keep them interested is yet another. And in most cases, the latter is the task that demands more skills on the part of the teacher.

* * * *

A third perspective is the parents’. Teachers are not meant to be parents’ replacements. Instead, the home and the school should be good partners in the endeavor to bring out the best in our kids. Neither can do it alone effectively.
But this is true in concept, at least. In the real world, many parents are oblivious (or negligent) of their educational function. The motivational role that the teacher plays in the classroom ends when a child leaves the campus. As he arrives home, the parents’ turn starts. There is much that they can do to perk up their kids’ academic performance, aside from buying trendy classroom paraphernalia or giving exorbitant rewards. When did you last follow up your kid’s grades? When did you last fully guide him in completing a project? When did you last listen to his love stories? When did you last encourage him to outperform himself?
With today’s growing career opportunities, many parents become preoccupied with thoughts of earning for their children, but have forgotten to truly spend some time with the children.

* * * *

So whoever said that grades are not important? He must be kidding.

Christmas Is No Excuse for Wise Spending

Christmas is supposedly the birthday of our Savior, and it should convey the message of saving. Unfortunately it has become a season of extravagance. People tighten their purses for 11 months, only to squander altogether at the end of the year.

This Yuletide, let us review how we can be good money-gers even in the midst of revelry.

1. Don’t cook more than your family can consume. It has become customary for us Filipinos to eat during the Christmas Eve. Even the types of food have become customary, as well — queso de bola, ham, chestnuts, and other expensive but innutritious foodstuffs. Most often, too, we prepare them in excess, making allowance for our neighbors. Tip: cook just enough for your family. You can still give portion to the family next door without running short of food. Remember, the other family cooks too, and just like you do, they think of giving you a portion of their preparations. In closely knit neighborhood, it may be wise to distribute preparations, so that one family takes care of spaghetti, another of salad and yet another of crema de fruta. The Eve will be celebrated happily with a variety of foodstuffs without doing a variety of preparations.

2. Prefer low-cost decorations over fancy but costly ones. Christmas decors share a big cut in our year-end budget. Some families do not keep tree lights properly so that they need to replace them year after year. Don’t feel miserable if your rich neighbor affords to buy a giant tree, and yours is just a little taller than your toddler. These are not necessities for Christmas joy. Many homes have enough money for classy ornaments but fail to reminisce the true essence of Yule. It is always a wise move to limit our expenses within our spending capacity.

3. Don’t leave your lights overnight. Electric bills often bloat as a result of electric-operated Christmas decorations, especially Christmas lights. Manufacturers may claim power efficiency, but leaving lights overnight will rotate your meters so much that you feel like rotating your necks after the Seasons. Worse, they can be a good source of fire. Put them off as you go to bed. Don’t worry if late-night passers-by will notice your dark façade. Lights don’t comprise the Christmas spirit.

4. Give gifts to satisfy, not to impress. Some people feel compelled to buy luxurious gifts, not really to give joy to the receiver, but to create impressions that they are luxurious givers. What a selfish motive replacing the supposedly selfless motive of giving! In choosing gifts, there are two things we must always bear in mind: what the receiver needs, and what the giver can afford. We give gifts to please the receiver, not to please ourselves in the end.

5. Have a definite buy list when going to stores. Among the greatest temptations in Christmas shopping is buying things more than we truly need — and can afford. Some department stores use scents that by research can boost impulse to buy. Products are so designed to appear tempting to the consumer. There is a powerful antidote to these spells: know what to buy before you even leave your house! A clear-cut buy list also reduces shopping time. Unless you truly need them, don’t purchase stuffs just because they are on sale. Remember that even sales can be temptations.

A merry Christmas is a thrifty Christmas. A truly light heart is a heart free of anxiety when our purses are intact. Spend right and enjoy the Seasons!

Be Pleasant, Not a Pleaser

A minister told of a story about a father, his son, and their carabao. On their way home late one afternoon, they passed by a certain crowd of youngsters who readily noticed the father walking while the son was on the beast’s back.

“What an unkind young man,” they exclaimed. “Shouldn’t the old man be on the beast’s back? Why is the son riding while his dad’s panting?”

Overhearing their conversation, the son jumped off, and, coming to his senses said, “Father, I think they’re right: you should ride on the carabao, and I should walk.”

After quickly exchanging places, they went on their way and passed by an elderly crowd. The people muttered, “Isn’t that horrible? The father left his son walking?” Noticing the sweaty adolescent, the father suggested, “Why don’t you hop up here, Son, so we both ride.” So did the young man.

As they headed on, they passed by another crowd, who, sympathizing with the carabao, remarked, “What a poor carabao! He’s overworked by two big meats!” Guilt-stricken, the father and his son decided to get off and walk altogether.

They passed by the next crowd, who cried out, “Aren’t these two guys morons? They have a carabao to ride on but they chose to walk!” Irked, the two carried their carabao.
Why are some people so engrossed in pleasing others? We may fault the two men for being inclined at pleasing others at the expense of their own comfort, but we do behave like them sometimes.

There is a sharp difference between being pleasant and being a pleaser. The former is anchored on an intrinsic motive, reinforced by genuine traits of a person. It comes out as a natural offshoot of a congenial personality. The later is anchored on an ulterior motive. It is a good façade for a more self-serving end: to deliberately impress a congenial image, even to the detriment of sincerity.

An attempt to please others stifles personal and organizational growth by keeping back negative feedbacks and corrections.

I have heard about a principal who, in her fear to disappoint disgruntled parents, would always say to parent-complainants, “This is the teacher’s fault.” Upon listening to the concerned teachers’ side of story, however, she would readily remark, “Oh, that parent.”

A Japanese proverb puts this interestingly: “An excess of courtesy is discourtesy.”
While in the height of unionism issues, a certain employee tried to please the management by literally verbalizing his loyalty, and furnishing information against the union advocates. But inasmuch as he could not give up his friendship with some union members, he did the same with the other side: he furnished them information against the management. Soon enough, both parties learned about his infidelity. He left the company losing esteem from both groups he tried to please.

Napoleon once said, “The people to fear are not those who disagree with you, but those who disagree with you and are cowardly to let you know it.

By and large, we should gear our efforts towards the better end. And achieving this goal entails disappointing others when necessary. As I would say, we can rather displease all people anytime, but we can never please all of them every time.

Happy Work, Happy Life

“I complained because I had no shoes… until I met a man who had no feet!” So goes an Arab proverb.

They say that we live to work, and we work to live. Working and living appear to be inseparable. Can we then deduce that he who is unhappy in work is unhappy in life?
Fortunately, happiness is a matter of choice. There are many things around us that may affect us. But in the end, we choose how we respond to them. We, not circumstances, make a stepping-stone out of a stumbling block. Or vice versa. We decide whether to be content — or not.

What makes a happy worker? Let us consider some points:

He enjoys the toil. A socialite lady passed by a pig farm. Smelling the repulsive whiff of the animal dung, she whined, “Kadiri, amoy dumi!” A doctor went by the same place and blurted, “Sus, amoy sakit!” A businessman came next and exclaimed, “Uy, amoy pera!” Finally, a chef rushed by. He savored the aroma as he uttered, “Wow, amoy hamon!”

I’ve been through several jobs, and I’ve realized that most displeasure is all in the mind. This reminds me of a parishioner’s text: “If you worry about what you don’t have, you wont be able to enjoy what you do have.”

No work is hassle-free. Nearly all jobs under the sun entail some amount of scuff. There are times that we need to do things we are not paid for. And this is fair enough, because there are also times we are paid for things we don’t do at all. There are times that others do not please us. And this is also fair enough, because we, ourselves, do not please others every time.
From time to time, we may have to exert extra effort at the expense of our personal convenience. In any profession, we need to bear with adjustments we don’t clearly understand, live with views we don’t fully accept, deal with people we don’t completely like, and so on. These are things that help broaden our perspectives, heighten our wisdom, and deepen our virtues.
L. P. Jacks said, “A pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity; the optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.”

He enjoys the task. Asked about where its endless happiness comes from, a bird promptly chirped, “I don’t sing because I’m happy; I’m happy because I sing.”
The tie between motivation and performance operates in almost all cases: the more we love a task, the better we do it.

Don’t we teach this to graduating high school students when we go out for career guidance? Now we realize that this same principle operates in our very career. And since in most cases we cannot change our tasks, surely we can work on changing our view of these tasks.
Somebody said that there are only two types of worker in the world. When he wakes up, the asset says, “It’s another good morning, Lord!” The liability says, “It’s another morning, good Lord!”

James Barrie wrote this about the secret of happiness: “It is not in doing what you like, but in liking what you do.”

He enjoys the team. Who can demand for perfect teammates or a perfect boss? Answer: a perfect worker. In real life, when we start to look for more from people we work with (or people we work for) we start to become unhappy.

The juvenile mind has a tendency to require other people to be perfect, while expecting these “perfect others” to understand his imperfections. He asks, “Shouldn’t have they done that?”
The mature person, on the other hand, is more apt to require himself to be perfect, while understanding others’ imperfection. He asks, “Shouldn’t have I done that?

At any rate, we cannot afford not to bear with other people’s imperfections: remember, others bear with ours, too.

Perhaps one of the prima facie features of an effective worker is the ability to effectively work with a team. Even amidst diversity in culture and orientation, it is not difficult to characterize an effective team member: He offers his sincere time and effort (not just words and ideas) to others. He gives or passes praise to whom it rightfully belongs (and doesn’t claim praises that do not belong to him, for God’s sake). He helps keep the team going, not only by giving right concepts but also by setting the right mood (and doesn’t ruin other people’s spirit by losing his temper in times when it should be in tact). He doesn’t simply get the team working: he gets himself working with the team.

A student who enjoys studying, they say, is likely to perform better. So is a worker who enjoys working. And whether or not one is happy with his work is eventually because of his choice.
A Latin proverb encapsulates my point: “Not he who has little, but he who wishes for more, is poor.”

As for me, I choose to be rich. I choose to be happy.